Sunday, August 24, 1998

St. Bonaventure University

Olean, New York

Okay – how’s this for hell?

Set my alarm in Virginia for 5am, after only three hours sleep.

Drive for ELEVEN HOURS STRAIGHT with no break. (Through 6 states.)

Arrive 15 minutes before showtime at a college full of assholes.

Man – 11 hours of driving with no break except one quick stop for gas. THAT’s rough.

I had already listened to all of my CDs. There’s no good radio along that route. (Southwest Virginia into Western New York state – just south of Buffalo.) Driving by myself – no conversations.

So I get to St. Bonaventure. VERY Catholic. Giant crosses everywhere. A hall where people study to be a Friar or something. I get out of the car with sea legs. Wobbly & dizzy. Shot.

I walk into the hall and the first guy that helps me find my contact is obviously a minister in training. The white shirt & black tie. The pasty face. Acts like he has a big broomstick up his butt and into his spine. Speaks all proper, but here’s the funny thing… He was an asshole!

First he was telling me that he likes to just watch all these students move in. He said, "They ask if I can give them a hand. So I just sit there and applaud. I’m not going to help. Fuck them!" Then we went into the basement trying to find our contact, and two students were playing pool. He walked up, chin in the air, righteous look on his face, and said, (I hate this phrase…) "May I help you gentlemen?"

("May I help you?" That’s the stupidest damn thing. Did they look like they wanted his help? Of course not. "May I help you?" said by someone like that really means, "Attention - I’m about to wreck your fun to make myself feel powerful.")

Why is it that some of the most fucked up people become counselors, psychiatrists, and clergy? Not that every counselor is a fucked up person, but it’s surprising how many are.

So – in sticking with this introduction…

THE SHOW: PROFESSIONAL PESTS

I get into my black shadow costume and had just started walking into the building. Already (!) some freshman with a backwards baseball cap on (a sure sign of idiocy) says, "What the fuck is this thing? Dude I’m gonna kick your ass! Dude this thing is so weird. I’m gonna break your arm you weirdo!"

Inside the building it was even worse. Later I went running around the dorms & scaring the girls. ‘Twas better.

But still.. I can’t help wondering… Aren’t these people, at Catholic school, surrounded by Christian values, and some basic things like "The Golden Rule" – aren’t they a little more aware of kindness as a virtue?

"What is this thing? I’m gonna kick you ass you stupid thing!" - Yeah… how Christian of you.

I’m not going to pretend I had anything positive to say about this show.

(Except I got paid.)

Drove back to Woodstock the next day. Had a better show after this. CLICK HERE to read the next one!